Sibling Rivalry in a New Environment
Moving to a new country is a profound experience for every family member. For children, it often means saying goodbye to familiar routines, friends, and even the language they were used to hearing every day. In this period of adjustment, parents might notice that the relationship between siblings changes — sometimes, rivalry and conflicts become more frequent or intense. As a child and adolescent psychologist, I often support families navigating these challenges. Below, I will share key mechanisms behind sibling rivalry in a new environment, and offer practical steps for parents seeking to nurture cooperation and understanding between their children.
Understanding Why Sibling Rivalry Escalates After a Move
It’s perfectly normal for siblings to have disagreements. However, during the early months after relocation, these conflicts can become sharper. It’s important to know that this is not a sign of parental failure, but a common reaction to stress and adaptation.
“In one family I worked with, siblings who previously played well together started arguing over trivial things after moving from Brazil to Germany. Their parents were worried, but this shift was a natural response to the enormous changes they were experiencing.”
The Psychological Mechanism: Stress, Loss, and the Search for Security
When children move to a new country, they may feel a sense of loss — of friends, routines, and even their sense of identity. This can lead to increased anxiety, insecurity, and a need for parental attention and reassurance. Siblings, who once were playmates, may suddenly see each other as competitors for limited emotional resources.
Another important factor is the loss of familiar social roles. In their previous environment, each child knew their “place” — perhaps the older one was the leader, or the younger was the peacemaker. A new environment can disrupt these roles, leading to confusion and more arguments.
Practical Steps for Parents: Building Cooperation and Reducing Conflict
1. Normalize Sibling Conflict
Acknowledge that some rivalry is normal, especially in times of change. Remind yourself (and your children) that it’s okay to feel upset, and that learning to get along is a process.
2. Maintain Routines Where Possible
Even small elements of familiarity — evening reading time, family meals, or weekend rituals — can provide much-needed stability. Routines help children feel safe, which can reduce their need to compete for attention.
3. Encourage Teamwork, Not Competition
Find opportunities for siblings to solve problems together. For example, ask them to help plan a family outing, or give them a joint “mission” (like setting the table together for dinner).
4. Create Individual “Special Time”
Set aside short, regular periods for one-on-one time with each child. This reduces jealousy and reassures them that your love and attention are not limited resources.
5. Teach Emotional Language
Help your children name and express their feelings. For example, if your younger child is upset after an argument, you might say, “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated. Do you want to tell me more?” This builds emotional intelligence and helps prevent conflicts from escalating.
6. Model Problem-Solving
When conflicts arise, guide your children through finding a solution rather than simply imposing one. For example, “I see you both want to use the tablet. What ideas do you have for sharing it?”
7. Watch for Signs of Deeper Struggle
If rivalry becomes very intense or turns into bullying, or if one child withdraws, it may signal deeper adjustment difficulties. In such cases, seeking professional support is important.
Mini-Case: From “Enemies” to Teammates
A family I supported had two sons, aged 9 and 12, who started fighting daily after moving to Spain. The parents introduced a weekly “brother project,” where the boys worked together on small tasks (like building a Lego set or preparing a simple meal). Over time, these shared activities helped reduce arguments and foster a sense of partnership. The key was consistency and positive reinforcement (“I love how you worked together on this!”).
What to Try: Checklist for Parents
| Strategy | How to Apply |
|---|---|
| Maintain daily routines | Keep bedtime stories, mealtimes, or other familiar rituals alive, even if everything else feels new. |
| Establish “special time” | Spend 10-15 minutes daily with each child, doing something they enjoy, without interruption. |
| Encourage joint activities | Assign siblings shared tasks where they must cooperate, such as cleaning up together or planning a weekend walk. |
| Use “emotion words” daily | Model naming your feelings (“I feel tired after work”) and encourage children to do the same. |
| Set clear ground rules for conflict | Decide together what’s off-limits (for example, no name-calling) and stick to these rules consistently. |
| Praise cooperation | Notice and comment positively when siblings help or support each other (“I saw you shared your snack. That was kind!”). |
Helpful Resources
- Child Mind Institute: Helping Children Handle Moves
- Psychology Today: Sibling Rivalry — Advice for Parents
- Understood.org: How to Help Siblings Get Along
- National Association for the Education of Young Children: Child Development Topics
Remember: while the adjustment period can be bumpy, most families find their “new normal” over time. Patience, empathy, and consistency are your best allies as you help your children—and your whole family—settle into this new chapter together.
Disclaimer: This article provides general psychological guidance and is not a substitute for personal consultation with a licensed professional.
Alice Potter, Child & Adolescent Psychologist, Specialist in Behavioral Correction
